Jacob Conrad Smith

"War and destruction is brought upon us as what makes our world imperfect but it is the other way around. Without death, chaos, and war man would never feel the need to do good or show kindness. when no one needs help, that is when our world is imperfect. Man must be imperfect to be closer to perfect."

-Jacob Fucking Smith

On March 20th, 2010 one of my best friends died because of a car crash. This man was extremely important to me. He spent his time making other people smile and not causing any trouble. I think about him everyday. I think of all the things i should have done differently with him. Jacob was the man of my dreams. Even though we weren't dating him i chose him to be the one to take my virginity. The experience was gentle and beautiful. He never used me.

Jake's birthday is on June 9th. He would have been 19. A young life that was taken in a horrible accident and we can't even find out the details of what really happened. I fake a smile most of the time but when i'm thinking of him i'm smiling. The good memories. The bad memories i know he doesn't want me to think of. I would always call him just to hear it's going to be okay.. But i can't call him now... I want to hear his voice.. It's impossible unless i'm looking at one of our videos of us fucking around and joking.

The last time i saw him we spent all day snuggling in bed. I was laughing at him because he had put Titanic on because he loves romantic movies.. You would never guess it. The man who listened to screamo music, joined mosh pits, and drank like a fish... Loved romantic movies? I miss him everyday of my life.. No one could ever change my mind about how i feel about him. His funeral was the biggest funeral that the church ever had. Everyone loved him.

I found out about his death early one morning. I had gotten a text saying "Jake died last night". I couldn't believe it. I signed onto facebook and saw a group entitled "R.I.P Jacob Smith".. My heart dropped.. I fell to the ground crying. No, not crying... Bawling. I couldn't breath and i couldn't think straight... It's hard to believe it.. Even now. I still smell him and i can still feel him around me. Especially when shit's going really bad in my life.. I hope he knows that i love him and i miss him dearly..

I have always considered myself Agnostic. After Jake's death.. I couldn't believe that he was gone.. I mean, REALLY gone.. No heaven.. A man like that just can't go away. I started to believe... Now i pray every now and then.. I pray to Jake and ask him to look after me and my friends and family.. I know he does.. I know he wouldn't stop loving me for a minute.. We were close.. Best friends.

I love you Jacob Conrad Smith