Universal.

“Before I met you I never knew what it was like; to look at someone and smile for no reason.”

I spent my Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday at the Portofino at Universal Studios. All four days were amazing. We spent all our time together... and we never got sick of each other.. Which isn't normal for me.. I don't exactly know what these feelings are.. but i think i like them. It's a little weird.. He knows what i'm thinking and i know what he's thinking.. It's a beautiful thing..

Smile.

"You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed sing like bird
Dizzy in my head spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh you make me smile"
                                 -Uncle Cracker- Smile.

Tyler came over tonight. Just an average night i guess. I never realized before tonight how much he could make me forget the world. Cheesy, i know. I don't believe in love. I should rephrase that.. I dont believe in being "in-love". I believe the "In-love" feeling is love with attraction. Over two short months we've been through everything.. The loss of a friend, which is actually what brought us together.. And we've already seen each other cry, laugh, and at eachothers worst.

My parents are in love with him. His parent's aren't too fond of me, but parents don't usually like me anyway. So I'm used to it. We've seen each other almost everyday since we've been going out. Now that we've graduated we see each other even more than we did when we went to school. He's one of my best friends.. and i can say that honestly..

My past with guys has been one jerk after another.. I'm only 18, but i've seen it all.. An abuser, a druggie, a gay guy (looooong story), and one that needed to drink to have any sort of smile on their face.. I've only had one good guy before Tyler, and that was Jake.. I miss Jake.. Tyler helps that hurt go away. He makes me smile.

Jacob Conrad Smith

"War and destruction is brought upon us as what makes our world imperfect but it is the other way around. Without death, chaos, and war man would never feel the need to do good or show kindness. when no one needs help, that is when our world is imperfect. Man must be imperfect to be closer to perfect."

-Jacob Fucking Smith

On March 20th, 2010 one of my best friends died because of a car crash. This man was extremely important to me. He spent his time making other people smile and not causing any trouble. I think about him everyday. I think of all the things i should have done differently with him. Jacob was the man of my dreams. Even though we weren't dating him i chose him to be the one to take my virginity. The experience was gentle and beautiful. He never used me.

Jake's birthday is on June 9th. He would have been 19. A young life that was taken in a horrible accident and we can't even find out the details of what really happened. I fake a smile most of the time but when i'm thinking of him i'm smiling. The good memories. The bad memories i know he doesn't want me to think of. I would always call him just to hear it's going to be okay.. But i can't call him now... I want to hear his voice.. It's impossible unless i'm looking at one of our videos of us fucking around and joking.

The last time i saw him we spent all day snuggling in bed. I was laughing at him because he had put Titanic on because he loves romantic movies.. You would never guess it. The man who listened to screamo music, joined mosh pits, and drank like a fish... Loved romantic movies? I miss him everyday of my life.. No one could ever change my mind about how i feel about him. His funeral was the biggest funeral that the church ever had. Everyone loved him.

I found out about his death early one morning. I had gotten a text saying "Jake died last night". I couldn't believe it. I signed onto facebook and saw a group entitled "R.I.P Jacob Smith".. My heart dropped.. I fell to the ground crying. No, not crying... Bawling. I couldn't breath and i couldn't think straight... It's hard to believe it.. Even now. I still smell him and i can still feel him around me. Especially when shit's going really bad in my life.. I hope he knows that i love him and i miss him dearly..

I have always considered myself Agnostic. After Jake's death.. I couldn't believe that he was gone.. I mean, REALLY gone.. No heaven.. A man like that just can't go away. I started to believe... Now i pray every now and then.. I pray to Jake and ask him to look after me and my friends and family.. I know he does.. I know he wouldn't stop loving me for a minute.. We were close.. Best friends.

I love you Jacob Conrad Smith

Mom & Daughter Day

"A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart."

Okay, so me and my mother have grown apart lately.. With me graduating and spending time with friends and boyfriend. She's been making her own friends lately and going to the bar to hang out most of the week. Which i'm cool with because it makes her happy. But on Monday i decided that me and my mother need to spend some time with eachother before we drift apart completely.

Today me and my mom went to the Homosassa Springs Wildlife Park and had a blast. She had so much fun, she was laughing the entire time. After we went over to Chilli's to have some lunch/dinner.

I got home and from there i went to see my boyfriend in Ocala. We hung out with some friends. What i find rediculous is my mother is sending me and tyler to a Universal Studio's hotel.. the Portofino.. She was planning on buying us the tickets and when we get there we would just pick them up.. She called and since me and tyler are only 18 we can't get the hotel room by ourselves. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? You can join the army, smoke, and buy a house at 18.. but God forbid you rent a hotel room. Rediculous.

My day went by pretty easy, full of smiles. Today was a beautiful day.

Friends and Good Times.

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

I have been an extremely shitty friend lately.. I was being the type of friend that i hate the most.. The person who gets the boyfriend and then shuts out her friends.. Today i made up for that.. I went out with my best friend since the 7th grade to dinner. But with Me and Chelsea it's never just a boring day.

I went to her house around 6. From there we went to Rocco's for dinner. And then pretty much drove around the county, blasting music and joking about old times and new. I all of a sudden realized that i wanted ice cream from Dairy Queen which is on the other side of the county. (Where we just came from). We picked up my friend Matthew and drove all the way back. At Dairy Queen i made a fool out of myself. I grabbed the condoms from my glove box and took many pictures with them. I then decided to see how big a condom could get... They can get pretty damn big.

All in all it was an amazing day with amazing friends who i will never forget. Im going to miss Chelsea when she goes to Full Sail. But i'm proud of what she's doing and i'm proud of the person she is and who the person she inspires to be.. She's been there for me through so much. I love her to death.

Music Defines All.

"After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music."

Music has always been able to express what is going on in my life. Music can say the things that i should have said when the time was right. As i was driving in my car today the song "I Miss My Friend" by Darryl Worley came on the radio.. It made me miss my friend Jacob Smith who died on March 20th, 2010. Every lyric to that song expressed how i feel about him.

Music has made the best memories for me. Driving around to the sounds of country, rock, rap, or techno. Remembering the songs that have brought me and my friends closer. The memories of concerts that can make you smile or cry from laughing so hard. Music expresses life and all that life has to offer, the sad times and the good times. I tend to put a song on repeat that defines how i feel. Which i shouldn't because it makes the song seem less powerful. The song "Beautiful" by Eminem comes to my mind often when i lay down to go to bed.

People say that music is getting more offensive and loud. Music is getting more honest in my opinion. Why not use music as an outlet? If i had any sort of musical talent i would express my feelings to the world and show the world what i had to offer. I've taken many music classes. Guitar, piano, and drums. I gave up on all because i was impatient. I should have stuck with it at a young age. The only music i come close to playing is Guitar Hero... And that's not playing music, is it?

The dictionary defines music as "an art of sound in time that expresses ideas and emotions in significant forms through the elements of rhythm, melody, harmony, and color." And isn't that the truth? It expresses ideas and emotions. So why limit your feelings to just speaking or writing a letter? There's a famous quote that says "The pen is mightier than the sword." All music starts with a pen.

When you listen to music do you not listen to the songs that fit your mood? When i'm feeling a little crazy, i will listen to fast paced country or rock. When i'm in a down mood i will listen to a slow song about love or heartbreak.. and it makes me feel a little better knowing that someone is feeling what i'm feeling at the exact same moment and that i am not alone in the world. Music unites us. Music can bring us closer together.

May 31, 2010

"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth -- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up -- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had."
-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

This morning was a hard one to wake up. I had spend the night at my boyfriend's house and he woke up to go to work around 7am. He said he said goodbye to me this morning, but i do not remember that. When i wake up I'm almost like a zombie. We had a party the night before, so that was part of the reason for my zombie like nature. My friend DJ woke me up at 9:30 to drive him home.. But it turns out that he didn't need to go home until later, so i went back to sleep. I ended up waking up for good at 2pm.

I woke up to my boyfriend (tyler) and Angelo playing Guitar Hero and DJ snoring on the couch. We went to taco bell, where DJ bought us all tacos. =] The guys went back to work at 4ish.. I finally left Tyler's house around 8:30. I got home around 9:45.. I have spend the night watching T.V with my mother, playing around on the computer, and writing.

Writing is my number one passion. I may not be too good at short stories but i'm pretty good at poetry.. And i love to write poetry. Poetry can bring me to life and make me feel feelings that i never thought i could feel. ("feel" seems to be used alot in the previous sentence... ehh.. oh well.. fuck it.)

My home life has been better, but it's getting easier and easier as the days go on. Friendships seem to be falling apart a bit. I have been in the wrong with that, i guess. My "love" life is good. Tyler is a really good guy and i spend most of my time with him because that's where i feel the happiest. (cheesy, i know, but get over it). My life can be crazy, stressful, obnoxious, and great. I love the ride though.

School is out and i couldn't be happier about that. The end of the year is always stressful because of finals. I only had three finals this year though (religion, statistics, and english). I graduated on May 29th, 2010. My family was there to support me, as usual. The only sad part about my graduation was that my biological father wasn't there.

Life is good.

After Graduation Feelings..

"We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters, your brothers, the school, the teachers - but never blame yourself. It's never your fault. But it's always your fault, because if you wanted to change you're the one who has got to change."

High school is over. Its not easy to explain how I feel about it. Sure, I'm excited not to get up at 6:00 a.m. anymore... I'm not too happy about not seeing everyone everyday like I used to.. I've always heard from my parents "take school seriously, education is forever, friends are not always going to be there". I beg to differ. It may seem a bit irrational to think I'm going to stay in contact with the people I've known in high school. It may seem stupid to think that i'm always going to stay close to these people. The people I've met in my school years are the people who made me who i am.. And i like who i am. There are certain people i will never forget.. I didn't learn too much in high school, but i learned a few important things.

• You know who your friends are in the bad times.
• Don't trust everyone.
• Gossip can get you into big trouble.
• Don't waste time.
• Don't ever stop loving the people who love you.
• Plan ahead.
• Never, NEVER take your friends for granted..
  
• Sometimes it's a good thing to be invisible.
• Inside jokes are always the best jokes.
• Hug the people you love and make them feel loved.
• High school goes by way to fast.

..........Those are just a few things that come to mind when i think of things i should have done differently in high school. High School was scary at first.. but at the end is when i had the most fun. I've learned to forgive and forget, to love and be loved, to be as loud as you possibly can.. even if it gets you into trouble..

There are always those people who will be there for you. You just have to find out who those people are and never let them go.

Trust me.